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The Little Orphan Granny sometimes yearned to be melded with The Real Granville to become a single integrated individual entity rather than just being the buffer for the insecurities of The Real Granville. But though The Real Granville was
continuing to become braver and less and less a craven coward, he remained too insecure and afraid to boldly face the world – even if he were melded with The Orphan into a single integrated individual entity. The Orphan was, therefore, forced to remain a separate and partial part of the whole Team, although he
still required togetherness with The Real Granville as well as an occasional desire to be alone and separate. The Orphan had to learn many tricks to be an alone independent individual – even if only partially and only for short times.
One trick used by The Orphan to make The Real Granville leave temporarily was to terminally irritate The Real Granville by being on stage -- by talking too much, interrupting people and generally acting outrageous.
Too much Orphan stage time would always elicit a severe berating from The Real Granville spewed out in his most pedantic, critical mode,
“…Orphan, see why you are an orphan. People are staring at you with mouths agape and they wonder what planet you are from and you never take a girl home from Daniel’s Broiler
anyway and the fact that Jim Washburn likes you and plays “Piano Man” and “Walking in Memphis” for you is not sufficient – I am now going away to re-read Time Enough for Love by Robert Anson Heinlein again and you know how long that takes. Let’s see how you like really being an orphan, Orphan. By the way, who was that prim conservative-looking gorgeous “Librarian”
type woman at the Oyster Bar who was looking askance at you…”
The Orphan would usually sullenly reply,
“…I know. So what! If I want to be different their disapproval is of no concern to me. If a girl wants to go home with me she should ask. Washburn is my friend. Go ahead; maybe this time you will learn something. I like being an orphan. I
don’t know -- but she is gorgeous even for a Librarian type woman – but I don’t think she likes me. Now shut up and get off my butt or I will drink a Granny Manhattan and anesthetize you…”
Even when stomping away in a snit over too much onstage time by The Orphan, The Real Granville, like “Lummox” -- a character from The Star Beast – also by Robert Anson Heinlein, would always keep a “sentinel” eye out to assure no harm would come to The Orphan and of course it follows, to also assure that no harm
would come to The Real Granville – so The Orphan was not really alone.
Another trick to make The Real Granville leave temporarily -- and the most effective trick –- was the use of some flavor of ethanol. The Orphan related the story of his initiation to the anesthetic ethanol in Chapter 19 of The Early
Adventures.
Wary use of ethanol would permit The Orphan to be alone and be an independent individual -- even if for only a short time – since The Real Granville couldn’t handle his ethanol as well as The Orphan, and sometimes would disappear entirely until morning.
The Real Granville, though, was sometimes sneaky and had his own tricks, defenses and controls – which were not always immediately shared with The Orphan.
One of The Real Granville’s tricks – particularly when in a “one-martini-state” when The Orphan was calmed and The Real Granville had lost his cowardice -- was to shock The Orphan into facing new information and to retreat from his silliness. (The Real Granville’s acid tongue could startle The Orphan into awareness of
new dangers he had not previously thought of.)
Imagine the shock to The Orphan when a lovely Collection of Confections murmured – one morning while snuggled in the arms of The Orphan (with the voyeur The Real Granville leering out, of course),
“…Sweetie, during the first part of happy hour last night, you said many wise, meaningful and sage things and I truly doubt that your IQ is really only 100 as you claim and that you make up the deficiency with discipline and memory. I feel that
you are smarter and wiser than you sneakily led me to believe and that is what I have thought all along…”
The Orphan was startled and said,
“…What do you mean smarter and wiser than I led you to believe? Not so! Besides, you do realize that you are the one who told me that half of the people in all of the world have an IQ below 100 so The Orphan still fits in and I thought we were
mostly playing slap-and-tickle, giggling and singing along with Nat King Cole and Jimmy Buffett records last night…”
(With use of the anesthetic, the brain of The Orphan would sometimes forget that his ears were made of tin -- see Chapter 14 of The Early Adventures to understand “tin ear” -- and The Orphan would sing along – which usually resulted
in a cacophonic din that was joined into by an catnip-addicted, self-centered, sarcastic, saggy-bellied cat named Jennyanydots -- but referred to as “Puddy” by the Collection of Confections – caterwauling along -- but sometimes only later in the middle of the night.)
The Collection of Confections was, by chance, “…that prim conservative-looking gorgeous “Librarian” type woman at the Oyster Bar who was looking askance…” at The Orphan while she sat at the Oyster Bar in Daniel’s Broiler.
This gorgeous Librarian was the smartest woman The Team had ever met and later was permanently named “The Boot” -– for quite obvious reasons. The Boot became The Team’s lifetime love, companion and mate.
How The Boot overcame the fear of The Orphan so that he finally took her home from Daniel’s Broiler is a fascinating story told in The Permanent Seduction of The Little Orphan Granny and The Boot in The Later Adventures. The Boot
responded,
“…Yes, it is true that we sometimes only sing and play – but not during the first Martini -- which is when you say wise and meaningful things. It is only after the second Martini that you become playful. Remember that even more Martinis sometimes
cause you to move into a besotted woggle-woggle state and then into a semi-comatose or even comatose state…”
The Orphan quizzically asked The Real Granville what the hell was going on. The Real Granville emitted one of his maddening superior chuckle-like laughs and said,
“…Orphan, you are such an orphan. Don’t you know that during the first Martini, I am able to come to the front without fear and replace your silly antics and prattle with real wisdom and deep thoughts? It is only after you drown me in that
anesthetic that your inane silliness is uncontrolled (The Orphan is still pondering this situation today) -- but, Orphan who is an orphan -- beware -- because when I am not there to protect you, you may come to harm from Wicked Women, Boeing Executives and Communists and Nazis …”
Sneaky could be The Real Granville!
The dreadful experience after the original initiation of The Orphan to ethanol had led to a continual educational – and a sometimes painful -- learning process. The body’s rejection of copious amounts of ethanol was not the only danger. It was preceded by many stages of other dangers as well.
The learning process apparently was to last forever.
While the judicious use of all flavors of this anesthetic was to be a useful tool for The Orphan as he struggled for some individuality, it was also true that The Real Granville was maddeningly correct: there were many risks from Wicked Women, Boeing Executives and Communists and Nazis.
Especially when The Real Granville had been summarily anesthetized.
On the subject of the risks from Wicked Women, it was possible for The Orphan, when anesthetized and only partially aware or even completely unaware – and without the protection of The Real Granville, to become a temporary plaything of a woman. (But never of a man – after an examination by a proctologist The Orphan
learned that women remained the only neat invention).
During the painful trial and error learning process to determine the appropriate amounts of the anesthetic to be used to attain euphoria and avoid illness, the use of inappropriate amounts could bring real surprises to both The Orphan and The Real Granville when they awakened in the morning.
Awakenings were definitely a risky way to initially meet new women “friends” – and once -- or even maybe twice -- taught The Orphan the meaning of the Don Meredith term “coyote-ugly” and once, even the meaning of “double coyote-ugly.”
Another major risk with a Woman -- Wicked or otherwise -- was that, while anesthetized, it was possible to become committed to an institution called marriage.
This very real risk is exacerbated by a strange human custom that lets marriages be performed anywhere but all un-marriages must be performed only in a court of law.
To miggitate the marriage risk created by such a strange human custom, The Orphan, goaded by The Real Granville, has always pursued the argument that both marriages and un-marriages should be performed in the same locality -- two examples: (1) if you want to
get married in a church, you should get un-married in a church; (2) if you want to get un-married in courts, you should get married in courts. The legions of attorneys of The American Bar Association, of course, will never permit such things -- so beware of the mix of the use of the anesthetic with even the discussion of marriage.
So The Orphan had continued his study of the judicious use of ethanol in order to avoid Wicked Women and other associated risks.
A lot of the ethanol balancing-act study was done while enrolled at an ethanol usage school called the Daniel’s Broiler Piano Bar – which was captained by a genius, singing, piano-playing Yakima lad named
Wonderful Washburn the Piano Man – who occasionally formally dedicated songs on his CDs to The Orphan.
The Orphan was well known at Daniel’s Broiler but received only bachelor degrees in the use of ethanol.
The prim conservative-looking gorgeous “Librarian” type woman – later to become The Boot -- who almost always looked askance at The Orphan also frequently attended these classes but always alone at The Oyster Bar and usually with a glass of Merlot or a split of Champagne, which she sipped slowly and demurely.
The Librarian had obviously graduated in the judicious use of ethanol and was working on an advanced degree in the very judicious use of ethanol – but not always later when alone and safe with The Orphan.
As to the risks from Boeing Executives, while anesthetized or not, The Orphan always remembers a saying from The Giant of Industry – which, at the time, The Orphan did not comprehend,
“…Granny drinks to slow the lightning speed of his mind so that he can communicate with mere mortals…” (The Giant knew the complete real name of The Little Orphan Granny but chose not to use it – probably because he was embarrassed for the
undignified name of The Orphan.)
Both The Orphan and The Real Granville were lightning fast with their thoughts and when, working together, were lightning fast squared or more.
The Giant always thought The Orphan was a neat play-toy but The Giant always knew that The Orphan was a loyal friend – although The Giant needed continual reassurances – especially with blackguards like Pitiful Peter the Mournful Morton always lurking about to discover opportunities, for his own self
aggrandizement, for putting feces in someone else’s punchbowl. Fortunately, when Pitiful Peter tried to assassinate the friendship of The Giant and The Orphan, he was so inept that he failed.
The Orphan continued the trial-and-error study to determine the correct amount of ethanol needed to get the desired amount of thought-slowing because that delicate balancing act was good for the welfare of both The Orphan and The Real Granville as well as The Team.
Jaunty Johnson (a person mightily desirous of the title of The Giant of Industry) had also observed the speed of thought “problem” of The Orphan that had been observed by The Giant -- but he did not know of the two parts of the duo. (Jaunty Johnson did know of the judicious use of the anesthetic but mostly in the form
of fermented grape juices.)
Jaunty Johnson valued The Orphan’s lightning-fast speed of thought as did a few other Boeing Executives -- but not many -- especially not Awful Albrecht (a self appointed elite), nor Pitiful Peter the Mournful Morton nor Silly Standal.
Jaunty Johnson once said to the un-anesthetized Orphan while The Orphan was chained to an oar in the slave galley captained by Jaunty Johnson and named “The 7J7”:
“…Granny (Jaunty Johnson only knew a fragment of the real name), you are one of the smartest people that I know (knowing him, The Orphan suspected that he thought that he was even smarter, though). However, your mind works so fast that even your
mouth cannot keep up. When you so rapidly spurt a geyser of data at the world, the data is not comprehensible to the world since the data spews out in what appears to be unconnected fragments. I know this because I suffered the same malady – and had to adjust to a deliberately slower speed so that the world could follow the thought…”
The Giant also knew of this malady of The Orphan’s but The Giant believed that people should learn by themselves without being told.
Jaunty Johnson only told The Orphan the problem but did not tell The Orphan a solution.
But The Orphan knew of and understood Theodore Roosevelt’s admonition (that was given to The Little Orphan Granny by The Giant of Industry):
“...It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least
fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat...”
Failure to be given a solution to a problem was not a surprise since The Orphan had already learned about The Mighty Boeing what Theodore Roosevelt knew of the entire world -- that a huge majority knew only of problems or questions and knew not solutions or answers. Fortunately such a weakness deficiency of The Mighty
Boeing created a need for The Orphan -- since The Orphan could provide many solutions and answers.
For over forty years, because of these abilities to think fast and well, to find answers and provide solutions, The Real Granville would permit individuals such as Stupendous Sutter, Wiley Webb, Serious Sandoz, Sloppy Swan, Haughty Holtby, Dandy Dunn, Righteous Ritchie, Masterful Masterson, Alan the Red or The Giant of
Industry (but never Awful Albrecht -- the self-appointed elite, Pitiful Peter the Mournful Morton or Silly Standal) to assign seemingly impossible tasks to The Team so that The Real Granville could hurl The Orphan at the tasks to make the impossible tasks only improbable.
When victorious and carrying an award or a plaque (which almost always was the case – The Orphan had a plethora of plaques and awards), the battered Orphan would then want to be alone from The Real Granville to rest for a while.
And in the rare cases when the impossible remained impossible, The Orphan demanded to be alone.
The Orphan, having learned early that The Real Granville could not “…hold his ethanol…” as could The Orphan (was that a snide giggle from The Real Granville?), also knew that the initial ingestion of a small amount of ethanol would temporally free The Real Granville by quelling his cowardice.
Using a “one-martini” anesthetic process was the one sure way The Team could slow The Orphan enough to communicate with the rest of the world. Since there are many sizes of martini glasses, the phrase “…judicious amount of ethanol…” was very critical, as an overdose could slow The Orphan to a virtual standstill.
Remember also that, when properly anesthetized, The Real Granville would go into a temporary total remission and The Orphan could have a space of peace. The Orphan became an expert over the years at using ethanol to “…permit The Real Granville to take a break (again a snigger from The Real Granville?)…”
As it is long and arduous, the story of the risks from Communists and Nazis is told in The Criminal Side of The Orphan in The Later Adventures.
But The Orphan was to learn of many risks in addition to Wicked Women, Boeing Executives, Communists and Nazis. These include – but are not limited to – falling on hot outdoor fireplaces, climbing up or down ladders, dancing gracefully, driving a vehicle and – sometimes even walking or crawling.
The Orphan avoided almost all serious pitfalls from anesthetic use for 38 years – especially driving. An example of the anesthetic risks of even walking or climbing a ladder – especially down -- can be illustrated by the following adventures. The Orphan does not choose to relate the hot outdoor fireplace adventure, as
it is a burning subject.
Once, when The Orphan was in Tarbert, Scotland, with his friend Rocky Wade Thomas (named The Thug because he had no neck and had to wear his neckties around his shoulders), after sailing on The Merlin of Clyde and while she was docked in a
statuary of The Firth of Clyde, The Orphan and The Thug went with the Merlin crew to a Pub in Tarbert.
Tarbert was a Scottish hamlet isolated from the entire world except by the water of the Firth of Clyde – and Tarbert mightily reminded The Orphan of a fair in MacConnachy Square in the magic city of Brigadoon. The Tarbert Pub was the center of all local (there was only local) social – and other – life.
All of Tarbert discovered that that same day was the anniversary of the birth of The Orphan (and also, but unknown to them, the same year anniversary of the birth of Donald Duck) and all of Tarbert wished The Orphan to drink one celebratory glass of each flavor of special forms of ethanol named “Single Malt Whiskies.”
The Orphan, in a festive mood, tried mightily but unsuccessfully to perform this miracle – not the kind of miracles such as were performed in Brigadoon.
The Real Granville was out of it in an instant after the first glass – as were later The Orphan and The Thug – but not before The Orphan and The Thug had carried each other from the Tarbert Pub back to The Merlin of Clyde.
The risks of walking are recorded here as an example of the effects of the anesthetic because the crew of The Merlin of Clyde swears mightily that The Orphan and The Thug each simultaneously carried each other back to the dock.
They also experienced an example of the effect of the anesthetic on the ability to climb a ladder because of a tide problem in the Firth of Clyde.
When The Merlin of Clyde docked, the tide was in and it was only necessary to step from the Merlin to the dock. But when The Orphan and The Thug arrived at the dock carrying each other and after putting each other down, no Merlin of Clyde was in sight except for the top of a mast. The tide was out -- and there
were mighty thirty-foot tides in the Firth of Clyde.
The Orphan and The Thug crept (read crawled) side by side to the edge of the dock and, after carefully peering over the edge, viewed a small Merlin of Clyde “…way down there…”
The only access to The Merlin of Clyde was by a slippery, seaweed-covered, rusted narrow ladder. The Orphan and The Thug carried each other down that ladder at great peril while the crew cheered. When the duo were safely ensconced in the cabin of the Merlin and the crew asked if they desired a nightcap, the duo’s
only answer was “…ZZZZzzzz – pffftt ---ZZZZzzzz – pfftt…”
There was a subdued interface between The Orphan and The Real Granville the following evening – as that was the time they returned to a form of consciousness. The Thug remained surly for some additional time.
The risks of ethanol in dancing was that, in addition to having an ear made of tin, The Orphan now had feet made of lead that lost their timing and balance, and The Orphan learned of a new DUI offense – dancing under the influence – as well as the BUI and WUI – biking and walking under the influence.
The risk of driving a vehicle is told in the same story as the risks from Communists and Nazis: The Criminal Side of The Orphan in The Later Adventures.
The study by The Orphan of the judicious use of ethanol still continues to this day, with varied success.
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